It was a year ago.
I woke up that morning fighting with my thoughts, as I always woke up fighting with them.
Sometimes I struggled to overcome fears regarding our finances…
sometimes I shrank from the seemingly impossible amount of tasks to accomplish that day…
sometimes there were nightmares to be shaken off…or memories of the past.
That morning it was about one of our children.
I woke up heavy-hearted and fought the concerns and mother-guilt that seemed to have a “season pass” to my soul.
“Why?” I cried out loud—loud enough to wake Reb, (I was in turmoil…maybe he would have the answer. Certainly he shouldn’t be sleeping through it!).
“Why do I wake up fighting every morning? God is amazing, He holds the planets in His hand and sees to the depth of the ocean. He is good and loving; He sent His Son for me. Why don’t I just wake up with ‘Good morning Father, I kiss You this morning’. But no, I wake up battling for the truth every day; pulling up scriptures as a shield to my thoughts. I roll out of bed to start the day, wading amidst the sludge of my mind, eventually breaking through to praise and gratefulness.
After all of these years, why I am still fighting this?”
My dear blurry-eyed Reb answered as only was wise to answer, “I don’t know babe, but let’s look at the Word.” So he opened the Bible and it fell to John 20:27-29.
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
As Reb was reading, I sensed the Lord embrace me, saying, “You have never seen Me, and yet you believe”.
My heart responded, “But I falter, and I struggle everyday to remember and to believe.”
His encouragement persisted. “ You have never seen Me, and yet you believe in Me. You don’t stop believing in Me. You fall, but you get up, go on; you believe and won’t stop. I call you blessed.”
I was amazed! Here I was in the throws of my weakness, and Jesus called me blessed!
“Seriously, Lord, You are O.K. with this…this train wreck?”
“I call you blessed.”
“Well then, if I know I am not wounding Your heart, and I have to struggle every day of my life, then O.K., I will fight this as long as I live, and I will believe.”
“I call you blessed.”
Tears of relief flooded me. I could fight this fight as long as I knew I had His smile.
The next morning, before my eyes were open, before I even knew I was awake, I heard the words coming from my mouth, “Good morning Father, I kiss You”. This has been the response of my soul every morning since then. Why, I wonder, after so many years, is that heaviness finally broken?
As my Reb said, “I don’t know, let’s look at the Word.”
Lamentations 3: 24-26. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
This I know. I no longer wake up assessing the day to see if I am equal to it. I wake to the truth that I am loved by my Father, and that He calls me blessed.
Do you believe in Him today?
Have you ever seen Him?
Jesus says of you…
“I call you blessed”
Yes Bev… Even a fire engulfed train wreck is blessed! Love you!
I love this. Am I a trainwreck? Is my life a battlefield? Probably both. But this morning, I am humming, “It is Well With My Soul”. Praise God for loving us and working in our lives (even though sometimes we do not see everything He is doing). Praise God for Christian friends who care, pray for you, and encourage you! Praise God for Bev Bradley, who lovingly guides so many trainwrecks with Godly wisdom, gained from triumphantly surviving her own trainwrecks!
Bev has blessed and spoken feelings I could not grasp within myself. I am so grateful. I have started to play the piano again, to praise and worship the Lord of Lords. I am safe in His care. These words have calmed my spirit and given me hope. I wake up with struggles and gather the scriptures and armor as fast as I am conscious. I am going to try (again) reading the word before I go to sleep, and give the burdens and fears to Him late night and see the results of that. I can only imagine. He is so good! (and that is all the time.)
Beverly! God’s word, through you, blessed me SO much this weekend! (I was one of your table buddies in Van Buren….). I told you when I figured out the things swirling in my head after the weekend I would share it with you, so here it is! There was TOO much to share! I’m going to write a series of blog posts about it, and I started this morning. My blog is http://www.piecesofamy.blogspot.com. I really enjoyed meeting you this weekend, and I know God sent you into my life. THANK YOU!
Amy Schaffner